Just recently, I found myself scrolling through pages of my memoirs: my Xanga. As embarassing as it was to read my thoughts and experiences, it was really quite uplifting to relive the memories that got me through my first couple of years here in Australia.


Omg what was I thinking?!


My blog has always been somewhat of a public diary. I share my experiences to try and relate to my readers. If you know me, I’m not much of a talker as I am a listener. Don’t get me wrong, if push comes to shove, I could probably talk my way out of awkward situations; but when it comes to group convos, I tend to overthink my response. I come up with awesome responses in my head but only to find that I’m 7 seconds too late to reply out loud as the conversation has drifted on. So I just laugh along, contributing my glossy-eyed chuckle to disguise the awkward silences while I catch up with the conversation.


I like analyzing my situation and weighing out my responses to fit the situation. I’m just analytical like that, as I am with alot of things I do. Some people act and say things on instinct; my instinct tells me otherwise.


The thing that I enjoyed about blogging is being able to analyze my experience and only choose the things I want to remember. I knew that I could sum up my day-to-day experience in a short article with pictures and random recollections, as I liked the idea of being able to revisit the moment of experience. I remember countless times where I wrote out an experience, good or bad, and re-read the article upon completion only to delete the horrible thoughts I had and leave only the good ones to be published. I remember thinking – “if one day I found myself rereading this post, I wouldn’t want to remember this.” And that was what I did. And to be honest, it worked out well cause reading through my Xanga posts, only fun-filled memories popped into my head while I relived the moment(s).


I’m not going to lie. In a lot of ways, I was determined to bring myself up in the online community and achieve internet popularity such as Kenny Sia (who has been a big inspiration to me!). That was another main reason I started blogging. It now seems like a shameless idea, but as shameless as it is, it was something I would’ve really appreciated. I tend to shun away in large group conversations in real life. I don’t like the feeling when people’s attention is put right on you. When that happens, my heart starts pounding while my eyes and body langauge gets shifty. I can literally feel every nerve in my body screaming “BAIL! BAIL!” But online, I can hide away from the stares and judgements behind my computer screen. And as any human being feels, the attention is comforting.


Now I would be lieing if I said that I don’t ever think like that anymore.


But the motivation to keep trying to satisfy the majority keeps lighting up then dying off soon after. Just like RL, I find it hard to maintain a social circle only that is outside my comfort zone. Come to think of it, I’m even struggling to keep it active within my comfort zone. And its true what people say; working 9-5 will diminish your social life.


I guess what I’m saying (to myself mainly), is that I want to continue writing in this blog to relive the good memories I have or am about to experience.


Actually I just realised, I did continue writing in THIS very blog after Xanga post-2006. But because of server maintenance and domain hosting issues, I may have lost 2-3 years of my life. :(

OH and I just realised again, I may have actually saved those posts as *.doc formats on my PC. I may need to have a look at perhaps upload them soon. *cross fingers*

^This is my train of thought without properly analyzing what I want to say^


Time to write for myself. Time to let the creativity flow!